Self defined happiness

As they say, happiness is self defined. At this state,  I am not sure wether am i happy or I am just being ignorant enough to look past what i truly need. Realised what I have truly become, not too bad of a shape deep down or how am I being perceived,  however still does not define who I am, dragged by reality, split by others. When can I actually define my own happiness? When the time comes only I can confidently tell myself how far have I walked. As for now, pieces of my everywhere, flown by the upcoming wind, not bothering on how to gather myself back up because I was so exhausted by everything. Exhausted by the exams, and the courage to pull myself together. I must admit that even with the tough course in dealing with humans' lives, I am more than willing. The more I study, the more I realise I dont know, and hence making me want to know more. Probably, the more I know, the more I felt I was responsible for others. It breaks my heart to know an important undiagnosed symptom of a patient by his dr but the glowing face he gave when someone cared, was priceless. Those nights filled with tears after every encounter with those strong, filled with courage cancer patients made me realise I was way too weak. They in return taught me courage. I could never repay all of you, but I promise to be a good doctor. There is no 'I will try', but I will make sure I will be one.  I am truly concerned. I really am. I want to change lives. not only their health, but soul as well. I am not that wise but I am learning. I want to bring change to humanity and to carve smiles or to at least lend my shoulder to crutch the broken soul. I was lost me myself, and now still occasionally do. I am learning more than every from my family, friends and definitely my evermore willing patients. Each restless night from the hospital from clerking will give an extra mile towards achievng my dreams. I no longer want to be affected by others, I want to grow and nurture self aim and self motivation deep inside. I want to be doing something because I really want to. I no longer want anyone else to define who I am. Long way to go, but I am up for it. My life, my choices.This, made me happy.

An embarassing wake up call from Mr. Future

Today is like any other day.  

* warning, long post ahead*

An-almost weekend and definitely suppose to spark an excitement or two.

 Typing this in Pc number 12 in the cyberlab just because my iOs aint have any keyboard .___. 

Morning throw on a weathered white coat and planned for clerking session with moms-to-be and palpate their round bellies just to say hi to baby on board! Everything was good till we decide to go to the labour room. its my second time here and will post up another on the first bloodshed-baby-poppin event soon! I'm having mixed feelings bout it, not sure funny, guilty or a realisation? Probably its all in. Went and wondered aroung there until a nurse called us in.  

*breath in, breathe out~~*  

we're only almost finishing our 3rd year, usually not needed or wanted in the labour place since we cant do anything but messing things up .Ha ha. =.= Was so scared that i will meet any doctors that will ask lotsa tonnes questions which we absolutely have no idea on!

Sneak around until a nurse asked us to find a husband of this lady who is delivering like now! so we scout and scout , asked around like some moron, but one thing you gotta develop as a medical student is to be thick skinned. Like REAL thick. 

Go through all the rejections, ignorance and nagging from eveyone, literally eveyone but I felt its a good opportunity to learn.

Rejected once, walk away with swollen heart and frustrated mood. Rejected twice, still frustrated, no longer hurtful. Rejected third time, its okay, just try another one. Rejected again, whats the worse? we've been thorugh every rejection possible, what could be worse than the day the curtain being closed without any words uttered in front of your face? There you gain courage. It probably sound like b***s**t to many, but believe me, enter medical school, its far from crap.   

And to continue the story, we went upstair to find him and saw a guy so we asked. He just nodded and agreed that he is the guy but insisted that the nurse asked him to go to the ward instead of labour room. Long story short, brought him there, and the first thing he said was, THAT'S NOT MY WIFE!  Sounds funny right, I m laughing while typing this but *At that point, I can literaly swear that i can hear out hearts thumped on the floor* Faced flushed like, like cranberries, i don't know! Just shoot me for the lack of vocab. The nurse was already questioning about what is him doing there, using wrong pathways, invading others privacy and why did we bring him there plus him being uneasy and at the verge of controlling anger. We were so scared and being 'young kids' got lectured by the nurse  on the right procedure and stuff, but she was really patient. Thank you =) . After the nurse clear up the misunderstanding and ushered him out, we DARE NOT use the same route incase we will see him and escaped via another door -.- 

Very unimpressive aye gosh* 

I am sorry mr. Didnt mean to piss you off, it was a big misunderstanding =( 

Hopefully he will be all cheery when he gets to see his freshly popped up baby! ^^

we managed, but the lecture after that i couldnt focus a single bit. Not because of the incident but instead the realisation it brought me. We as a medical student, not a doctor, still have the privillege to escape and dont have any responsibility to carry on our back. But what happens when you graduated and carry the Dr. at the front of your name? Nothing to be glamoured about but the expectations, the pressure, the responsibility you carry at your shoulder, can easily be more than what you can bear. Okay, besides bearing babies. You can always bear more babies. -.- 

5 years in medical school is just the tip of the iceberg,  

there's a freaking glass of cola beneath! 

Today made me realise how easy am I affected by disapointment with myself, hoping and always wishing I could do better and meet everyone's expectations. Maybe they will just forget about it, but I never will. I will People say I can't satisfy all, but i cant live with regrets and all of these gotta come with mistakes and experience as somethings are better to learn with the pain. I know, but its a seriously bitter-gourd bitter pill to swallow =( 

Everytime I do a mistake, I will really feel remorse and guilt. When i think of their feelings and put my feet into them, I felt uttermost regret on not being able to provide them with better morning. but without all these small mistakes which is good for me,  I dont think I will be who I am today and i hopefully can avoid any disastrous wrongs in the future. 

For doctors, really, cant afford mistakes, its people's lives you are dealing with, every single soul is someone's wife, husband, child, brother, cousin, lover, friends. Today taught us to be VERY CRYSTAL CLEAR on patient identification or you will end up giving wrong group blood or tell wrong results.

Now, we as students ran away from the reality of facing the truth, can just laugh it off. Nobody knows you. 

It could be one of the most random memory you have about college but When you become a doctor, are you capable to face everything rationally, are you capable to spill the news of someone's death ?

Can you cope with the sympathy even if not empathy? 

Can you face the dying patients and promise to be by their side and hold their hands till their last breath, learning something in the process of losing another precious life, carrying on with the trust they left you with? 

Or will it be just another day?

Let the gone, be bygone and if you learn something, it has a reason after all.