...~

I didn't know. I thought we both are the same. I'd never thought that i need you much. Maybe its because i m afraid that i will lose you. Talking bout it, you have not lost anyone you cared so much before isnt it? well, I did. I knew the pain. but before that, I didnt. In the past all I want is for the person i cared to be independent, to be able to live without me. I knew my friend needed me a lot, need me so much. but i didnt knew one fact, i need that friend that much as well. Looking at you, remind me of the past, of who i was, but i'd never want to let you feel the pain, i'd never wnted you to hurt like i did in the past with a friend i cared about(past few years ago).

you cn call me clingy. i didnt realise me being like this is called clingy. i didnt realise it troubles you. i didnt realise it became a problem. if tis is turned anthr way, i cn say i as long as i m with you, other things i can neglect, i mean minor intrudments, something i cn say, not worthy to cause a fight.i dont need those. i changed al i can. people say me, i didnt care before. Are we this weak that minor thngs could actually wreck us?no . i knew that i'd never complain if you'd play til late, even i needed to wait til its late for dinner, because i knew, no matter how late, when i get to see you having diner wif me, it will be all worth it.

hence, it wasnt ur fault. its just sum mindset of mine. I want you to be happy n not changing to please me as u wun be hapi then. if u were to chg, i said bfr,at ur own will, when i became important enough for you. saying this hurts me as well. i knew you cared. if not, why would you mind my thought?dont worry, i know u sumhow cared now compared to the past. it put me in a dilemma. I dont know what i should feel. i want you to be happy but at the same tym it sumhow hurt me. so?What i should think of this? Should I think that you dont knwo how to express ur feelings?or should i take it as you didnt care in the past? or should i think that you have ur own way of loving me? or you just dont care. if you do care, wil u stil love me in the future?while i m waiting,All this became a question that me myself dont have the answrs. maybe i hadnt done enough. maybe i m selfish . maybe i demanded too much. i shouldnt. i shouldent expect too much nor demand. i m nothing to do allthose. who am i to expect, hope n want? i m too depending. so be it, then i wont. i will try my best to change if it makes you happy.

i love you for you are no matter what happens. i will accept you as you. i will try to give you all freedom you want if this is what you need, i will give your own time, if i've been bothering you n ur drama. i just worried that i m neglecting you but it seemed i think too much thats why. makes me want to laugh thinking bout it. i thought we will soon cant be spending much time together in degree so try n effort out sum thngs...i was wrong . you still needed your own time, your own life like before you have me. its ur rights. n my mindset it sumthng wrong, so it was never ur fault. its mine. okay, have it your way. start with?say it, i will do it if its for the better.

Time

The history of mine has made me believe that time will cure everything. It will. I truly believe if i withstand more pain, put up a thicker wall n bear with it, I believe, time will help me.

self sacrifice

When i look back, I have went tru this before. Yes, indeed, i have. I wondered, will the reason of failure in relationship(general) is my fault? I thought it was always my fault. I thought it always because i m selfish. but when i think again, is it because i m self sacrificial ?for everyones benefit that i m doin this, but i caused hurt in me. i dont care. this is what it shud be.

miss you

I will miss you. I will miss you badly but i know i gotta let go, because its not meant to be.

Blurry vision

I am unsure now. Is this just a simple thing like i used to think? Or now its gotten much more complicated. Its my fault isn't it? Now payback time. I m no longer sure where I am heading. This is the reality, the society, the truth. This is where I am. but, by doin this, makes me more selfish than ever. Forgive me will you? I don't know why its gotten this far. I want to put a stop to all these, but i couldnt bring myself to so it. Maybe, after all, its a simply misunderstanding. Is it?Why..why must it be this way? There is no benefit. There is something more to me people would never understand. I am not the person people think I am. or I used to be. They will never know how much it hurts. Or, is this just another innocent game? I don't know, n I never want to know.

Welcome, me

WELCOME BACK, the old me. Someone whom i formerly feared. My ownself. In these past months, I have been hoping everything would be perfect. No regrets, no flaws, in order for me to pursue my studies in ease. At least, that was what I thought. I have left out something rather influential. My past life, who I was before. Not the one studying, not the one loitering, its the one part of me, whom needs help. That phase of lives a few years back was never easy, but with guidance, I made it. After a senior, Jia Ni whom help me lots left the school, I slowly learnt to be independant. I slowly learn to make it tru, bcoz I know I could no longer burden her. I never intended to. She changed my life for the better. Way better. As time passes, I grew up n left that part of me behind. I call it emo. Nowadays, I was wondering, why i really had strong emotion issues. And, its very familiar. Oh, an old friend of mine actually, the other part of me. Its been a long time i has this tht I thought wat was wrong with me. Then, after sum thinking, I realised this is not new, I was like this few years back. Nothing to be afraid of. I will just settle it the former way. Everythng would be fine. I was like this. I need some time. I can do it.

illusions

Now, i felt there is two sides of me. The reality and the dreams, or more would i say, illusions. There are many things I could ever dream of in my world of illusions, but when i snap out of it, there are restrictions. Better be aware n stay out of it before its too late. Painful huh? In life there ought to be sacrifices big or small. When its time to let go, you should. By letting go, you will be able to move on..never turning back.

Night

Last night, was a sleepless night for me. I went to bed early( 1.30am !!?!), *for hols timing its early lo*. I thought i want to improve my habit by going to bed early(be a good girl!!?) n so i did. I used to turning to bed very very late in the dawn(i m not exagerrating). While every1 is fast asleep on their beds, i m here, onlining, watching shows n stuff. I kinda liked the quiet, calm feeling but i know this could not last. fine, fine. so i went to bed n tuck myself in after washing up. Like usual, i cant sleep n well, i blast the music.(this is exagerate, i just played the music=.='') After a while, i still couldnt sleep. Until my bro came in to bed and then fall asleep, i m yet, not asleep. So i turned around n start to think of everything. everything in my life and put me in a terrible condition of misery. NOw brilliant, i couldnt sleep because i was too miserable n pathetic. Then i went downstr to get a cup of warm milk(actually, only a little..quarter cup?wtv), they say milk cn make u sleep easier. Okay, then i thought of some stuff, some happy memories n a bunch load of sad memories. ANd when i kept self blaming, i had no idea when i fell asleep. In my dream, i had only the happy memories to think of. I was so happy that i felt surreal. When i woke up, i accept the fact n move on with my ordinary life.

p/s~ What a lousy post..damn it

me

Well, i decided to straighten my hair in mico...juz for a change fr tis yr cny...i hv no comment on myself but...well, it looks longer now...^^


CNY coming..prepared few clothes...n hope fr lotsa ang pau...(hopefully~)..^^

Regrets

Some regrets in life could never be redeemed. It will be with you till the end of your life but what makes its different from one another is how you accept it as a fact and move on.

TWO PARTS

When its like two person in a same body, watching the world go by, i had nothing , much to say. In this night, under the roof, i had no idea how is it outside. dark? starry night or its only the lonely moon. Me, sitting by my desk facing the laptop feeling so lonely. Even with the crowd itself i felt alone, no matter where i am. In the city, on the streets? Even in the mall, at uttermost boredom, i sat on the bench watching people passing me by. Took out the rubic cube n give it few spins. People passing by will look and then move on. Make me thought of my life. I walk and i walk until i met something to ponder, then i move on. I had not known how far is this road ahead of me but i kept walking. Watching at others living their life give me more doubt to myself. my ability to regain happiness. I am satisfied with my life, i am very grateful. The thing left is the journey to discover myself. The feeling of loneliness is really hard to bare. So what is you are surrounded by hundreds of people? So what if you have thousands of accuaintance? If you are not in one piece with your innerself, the is no point at all. So, now i am searching. Really searching.

inspiration

When i look into their eyes, i sense fear. Fear,but not the negative type of fear,not meaning they are scared. Its the fear of being exposed to a new thing, to a new world. Still, what courages me the most is how they took their fear as inspiration and move forward, following the lead of a person, wise and experienced which only gotten by age. This touched me as i felt i am a total stranger from another world from them but watching their acts closely. As i have always been all the while.

~Inspiration~

..?

BREAKING NEWS : Ya, not gonna copy farhana

MELTING NEWS: This is ORIGINAL... i m lost
OKAY, look, my future, no IDEA HOW..gonna get it though..
Well, CNY comin..so MANY MANY people will ask bout my plans, i really
appreciate the concern...thanks..: ) But one fact, though i have my plans,
god will decide. I have no idea how to answer my relatives n frns, I m
worried i make them havin high impression to me. Which i really dont
want because i m worried i cant reach that std.
NOW, got sum stuff to settle, n GONNA GET L license tis week n go classes so
i CAN ROCK THE ROAD!! YEAH man..careful o guys....i hope i can get a job as i m
unemployed. gudness..pity betul..
PIANO, my nails really will scratch the keys...sakit hati..but, a few keys spoil
already, sad, its sort of slow down, Anybody knows any cheap service for
'clavinova', electric piano contact me ya, or email me. OR if i gotta change the
full set, anywhr cheap?^^ OH, my bro will be glad bout this, in national service, they
will check nails.==' just brilliant.

BOOKS, my storybooks, i've been re-reading already. TO avoid spending so much
on them..hahah...hols not very convenient to borrow frm frens...^^
CNY clothes, I bought a few clothes n short jeans...but i need a pair of long
jeans. Some colour of faded grey maybe, or a dark blue fading yellowish maybe,
-dun tell me all jeans look the same, because before i did this survey of the jeans,
they were totally diff frm size to size n frm brand to brand. ==' Using white crocs,
nono, not crocs, just smthng like that..haha n oso prom shoes...^^

LOSING WEIGHT...top of to do list...hahaha....trying my best o...^^

Dilemma

I really very sad, but 1 thing i've been told i m good in is hiding my feelings really far. Do you have to say that? All the while oso the same, really dilemma. I m so screeching with pain inside but u never understand. This type of thing really dont work on me. Trust me, no matter how hurt i m, i m not affected then. Please, tho i didnt show, doesnt mean i dont care.

~Care~

mixed feelings

SOmetimes, well, most of the time, I like to keep things that well, i feel its unecessary to tell. I am very selfish now i can tell, that i did not think of someone elses feeling, but i just doesnt like to explain so much. Whatever i m doin, i have planned it already, i know what i am doing. That it why i dont feel the need to explain so much where it will cause more threads frm it isnt it? I dont mind people complaining bout me, well, i m glad i have patience..seriously, cold temper, though its gud that i wun have to fight with any1 but, when i say cold temper, i really mean cold. I dont mind hearing people talking to me for hours about against something i had in mind at the same time doesnt feeling much.not annoyed. not angry. not sad. nothing. Well, you should say 'oh, u shud be glad its cold not hot'oh yeah ? i really have feeling that by cold tempering or mere indifferent or regard it as feelinless will cause others more annoyed. but. cant change it. sorry. thats me. i will try my best to change for the better that i had now realised. i will try.