An embarassing wake up call from Mr. Future

Today is like any other day.  

* warning, long post ahead*

An-almost weekend and definitely suppose to spark an excitement or two.

 Typing this in Pc number 12 in the cyberlab just because my iOs aint have any keyboard .___. 

Morning throw on a weathered white coat and planned for clerking session with moms-to-be and palpate their round bellies just to say hi to baby on board! Everything was good till we decide to go to the labour room. its my second time here and will post up another on the first bloodshed-baby-poppin event soon! I'm having mixed feelings bout it, not sure funny, guilty or a realisation? Probably its all in. Went and wondered aroung there until a nurse called us in.  

*breath in, breathe out~~*  

we're only almost finishing our 3rd year, usually not needed or wanted in the labour place since we cant do anything but messing things up .Ha ha. =.= Was so scared that i will meet any doctors that will ask lotsa tonnes questions which we absolutely have no idea on!

Sneak around until a nurse asked us to find a husband of this lady who is delivering like now! so we scout and scout , asked around like some moron, but one thing you gotta develop as a medical student is to be thick skinned. Like REAL thick. 

Go through all the rejections, ignorance and nagging from eveyone, literally eveyone but I felt its a good opportunity to learn.

Rejected once, walk away with swollen heart and frustrated mood. Rejected twice, still frustrated, no longer hurtful. Rejected third time, its okay, just try another one. Rejected again, whats the worse? we've been thorugh every rejection possible, what could be worse than the day the curtain being closed without any words uttered in front of your face? There you gain courage. It probably sound like b***s**t to many, but believe me, enter medical school, its far from crap.   

And to continue the story, we went upstair to find him and saw a guy so we asked. He just nodded and agreed that he is the guy but insisted that the nurse asked him to go to the ward instead of labour room. Long story short, brought him there, and the first thing he said was, THAT'S NOT MY WIFE!  Sounds funny right, I m laughing while typing this but *At that point, I can literaly swear that i can hear out hearts thumped on the floor* Faced flushed like, like cranberries, i don't know! Just shoot me for the lack of vocab. The nurse was already questioning about what is him doing there, using wrong pathways, invading others privacy and why did we bring him there plus him being uneasy and at the verge of controlling anger. We were so scared and being 'young kids' got lectured by the nurse  on the right procedure and stuff, but she was really patient. Thank you =) . After the nurse clear up the misunderstanding and ushered him out, we DARE NOT use the same route incase we will see him and escaped via another door -.- 

Very unimpressive aye gosh* 

I am sorry mr. Didnt mean to piss you off, it was a big misunderstanding =( 

Hopefully he will be all cheery when he gets to see his freshly popped up baby! ^^

we managed, but the lecture after that i couldnt focus a single bit. Not because of the incident but instead the realisation it brought me. We as a medical student, not a doctor, still have the privillege to escape and dont have any responsibility to carry on our back. But what happens when you graduated and carry the Dr. at the front of your name? Nothing to be glamoured about but the expectations, the pressure, the responsibility you carry at your shoulder, can easily be more than what you can bear. Okay, besides bearing babies. You can always bear more babies. -.- 

5 years in medical school is just the tip of the iceberg,  

there's a freaking glass of cola beneath! 

Today made me realise how easy am I affected by disapointment with myself, hoping and always wishing I could do better and meet everyone's expectations. Maybe they will just forget about it, but I never will. I will People say I can't satisfy all, but i cant live with regrets and all of these gotta come with mistakes and experience as somethings are better to learn with the pain. I know, but its a seriously bitter-gourd bitter pill to swallow =( 

Everytime I do a mistake, I will really feel remorse and guilt. When i think of their feelings and put my feet into them, I felt uttermost regret on not being able to provide them with better morning. but without all these small mistakes which is good for me,  I dont think I will be who I am today and i hopefully can avoid any disastrous wrongs in the future. 

For doctors, really, cant afford mistakes, its people's lives you are dealing with, every single soul is someone's wife, husband, child, brother, cousin, lover, friends. Today taught us to be VERY CRYSTAL CLEAR on patient identification or you will end up giving wrong group blood or tell wrong results.

Now, we as students ran away from the reality of facing the truth, can just laugh it off. Nobody knows you. 

It could be one of the most random memory you have about college but When you become a doctor, are you capable to face everything rationally, are you capable to spill the news of someone's death ?

Can you cope with the sympathy even if not empathy? 

Can you face the dying patients and promise to be by their side and hold their hands till their last breath, learning something in the process of losing another precious life, carrying on with the trust they left you with? 

Or will it be just another day?

Let the gone, be bygone and if you learn something, it has a reason after all.

Not all who wander are lost

Lone soul, doesn't mean I am lonely,
Sieving the broken past ain't too easy,
Breaching ties, isn't it really bad?
Question myself, felt everything but regrets

As the wandering me seeks for myself,
Not sure if thats emptiness all i felt,
Or is that a serene thought that fill it up,
Or is that a dream I wanna grasp.


That dancing glimmer whispering through,
Shots of memories passing by you,

I thought i knew,
I really wish I would

For the heart can feel,
what the eyes can't see,

Probably its my choice to wander,
but as they say, 

not all who wander are lost,
they just don't wanna be found.

Tzu Chi Event and its impact on my life to a self realisation journey

* Drags blistered feet to laptop and turn it on just for the sake so i dont forget today...*

#A post drafted few months ago#

It was a Tzu Chi event in Kota Baru held somewhere around muzium kesenian . 

They are on a country tour to raise money to build school in Penang. 

I was incharged of the food section and they gave me a set of head scarf and apron plus mask. *excites* put it on an almost everyone called me a canteen auntie...HAHAHA  *still excites* Serve food and wash dishes most of the time...

When I served food for the meals, most of the  times where i cant speak anything but just to smile and move to the next person. However, remember? 

i was wearing a mask.  I tried hard to smile beneath but i am just not too sure. 

Can they really see my smile through my eyes?

 Can people really do that? 

I believe so. I smiled hard that my face was crooked from the cramps under it but yet, i smiled. 

 A thing i gotta ponder today,

The higher you are, the lower you should go.

I still remember when i was busy working at a bakery, mostly i mop floor, and handle the baked goods. Mom said do you have to? you are gonna be studying medicine and be a doctor real soon, just rest and take your time. 

I didnt. I insist and went for the job and I am glad I can continue studying after that hard time. 

That i have a choice to do what i want. I am glad i went there. I am glad even if i have to do various things i had never done before considering i was lucky enough to be born in a happy family. I wash the trays every morning, like a huge stack of it, clean the countertops, packing breads, bear with customer complains, learning to manage money and the machine, clean the floor, dirty myself and rush all the time, but it was worth it.

 The people there are very nice, they care for me, they actually love me ^^ giving me free breads and stuff, treat me real nice...even tho i am a newcomer and doesnt know anything! They dont judge and very humble people. Unlike many that i had known in the past. The thought me how to be down to earth and definitely non judgemental even all they know about me is that i had just finished matrix thats all. When i was leaving and ordered an ice cream cake, she made it specially decorated just for me. I was truly touched. :')

A confession bringing the worse out of me: 

In the event, i was treated as an equal but deep down inside i felt how it was like to be working for other classes of people. Its hard to say this, but I felt low. I felt i lost all my ego that time. i was being masked, nobody knows who I am (only friends would) .

 By this, I can truly appreciate whom is a truely kind in nature or those who judge people on their status. When people know that you are a medical student, they treat you well, with respect and manners. When you are masked by merely a mask doing dishes for others by the tap, many  will still respect and appreciate you there. but the ugly truth is, some will no longer see it that way. Some will treat you as you are not on equal, like someone lower. Probably its just me being sensitive. 

I just hope everyone will treat others the same no matter weather they are in a coat or in an apron. This time I'd learnt to put all the ego away, treat is as something i gotta learn on human equality.

 How i learn to treat everyone the same. 

To not judge. A mentality not excluding myself gotta improve for the better in humanity. 

All in all, the higher you get, the lower you should go. 

If i realised i did not, i will start to pray and ask god to help find myself.

 When i get there, i am truly grateful =)

We are all humans. And we will always have the same, equal rights.

Footnote: Sorry for any offences, they are not intentional. 

Just purely an opinion and nobody is perfect including myself. 

Let me

Something lonely somewhere, but I am that way. Let me be.

Aujourd'hui

Chere ,
Aujourd'hui, je ne heureux pas. Parce qui? Je ne comprend pas. Est ce-ma faute? peut-etre, oui. Peut-etre ma l'atitude est tres mauvaise. Je suis desolee mon ami =( Chocolat gateux et the avec moi? Rendez-vous demain pour compenser a tu? sais pas,je pas faire du mal. Je t'aime mon ami beaucoup.

ps~ Pain du fromage demain matta avec cafe au lait pour nous! =D


Grosse bisse,
Votre chere ami =P

Striving through the minute stinging part of life

Its so small to be compared with other people's pain and what they went through.

Mine is, nothing. In fact i should be grateful isn't it,but definitely it gave me all sorts of new impression on how patient think, what they want.  If it wasn't because of this, i might take for granted how they feel,i couldn't truly understand their point of view. 

At the clinic today, i saw many people and now only i hope its not too late to realise that when i look at them, i truly wonder what are they going through.

 I truly did and I truly want to know.

 I finally understand. 

Pray that it will all goes well. 

To be a doctor

What in the world was i thinking when i decided to take the big leap into medical school, the course most famous for being intensely tough and to test how much courage you have in your gut. 

To score is a thing, to master is another, to practice and be safe with empathy and real concern, its the real deal. Its me against the world. I used to weep to my sleep for every cancer or dying patients I've seen in the wards. 

I used to weep when my friend battled cancer.

 I can never imagine how they went through that and i honestly am very proud of their strength and manage to plaster smile in their fragile face.

 Even I felt i tried my best to put my crooked lips forcing them shut from bursting into tears, i cant. The best i can do is run out from the ward and cry at a corner where no one can see. 

I cant let them see me this way, where will the confidence be then? 

Will they still trust me when all they can see on my porcelain white alabaster face is sympathy and pain? 

Will it be better if i just shut it all out? 

Today, I finally came to my mind.

 Will doctors ever felt the pain that the patient went through if they don't go through it themselves? 

I used to tell them,

 'Dont be afraid, whenever you felt something is wrong, just go to your doctor and he will help you. Don't mind being judged as over reacting, its your health, your life. Only you have the rights to put it on track. They can judge all they want, but if i am your doctor, i will be very glad you came to me, and i will definitely give you my word, your secrets are safe with me. ' 

Easier to be said and done never been so true. 

When it came to our self, we tend to hesitate. 

I am scared. Scared of all the possibilities coming ahead. I am actually scared they will judge. I am scared i will disappoint them. I am scared, what i am afraid of might actualy come true. 

Distractions for the whole day doesn't seem to fill this pain.

 Finaly i get to know how they think, what they actually feel. This, I wont forget. I hope I am just over paranoid. 

The weakest part of my life and i don't know where to go, what to do. 

Is this test is just to mold me into a better doctor? If it is, I hope I survive through this. 

Rambling

Hey peeps ...oh well,I don't think there are any left here. Time comes and it goes, tip tap tip tap I m in 3rd year :) I was really thankful that I've made it through . What's more coming of me? I am well,staring at the blank wall,trying to think the day tru. I am a lucky little girl they said and I believe myself,that I m ,and it was indeed me. And sometimes not me.still afraid of being hurt,trying to find my purpose in life. To get there. When all you re used to is being with yourself ,other things feels like it's a new exposure all over again. Anyway, in the end,it's the intrinsic motivation that will drive you foward

Sincerely ,
Me

A route diverging two

What kind of tingling sensation deep down inside?the butterflies in tummy?the clammy hands?palpitations?

That I should've bought you flowers,
And held your hand
Should've give you all my hours when I had a chance
Take to you to every party,cause I remembr all you wanna do was to dance..

Turn back time

It's been a while...

I used to think how we used to be...

When I past by places we've been together...

It reminds me of what our friendship have evolved ...

How we became best friends...

How you 're there to help me tru and how we get things done together

How we count on each other and not caring how or what people say

I can see through you no more...are you really still the same?

Or have you changed?

Did you use me in the past?

At least I felt so...

I know I shouldn't be selfish...

I've gt all I need...

But I need you as a friend..

Only you will know how to watch me save myself...

Hence I am lost

When no other soul can understands me the way you do

Without you

my friend ...

Take care