Friday, February 26, 2016
graduate
I want to graduate. I really want to graduate. Gonna work my ass off, study like crazy, love my patients more pray harder and bring the title back home. Wish me luck =)
Friday, January 16, 2015
Geminid shower 13/12/2014
We have a dream. At least I did, so that one day I can lie your chest, listening to your beating heart in beneath the dark skies. Thank you for willing to be dragged to the court just to accompany me watch those shooting stars. Waiting for meteor definitely needs luck and the right person to back up incase theres no stars, but we've got good company. Spread out old newspapers and lay our backs on the cold floor with the snacks i brought incase of a grumbling tummy. It was cloudy and I did not put much hope, however i have faith that we will catch some today. As the wind blow the clouds away, it reveal beautiful blanket of stars gazing above us. It was definitely mesmerizing. We never know what will come, but here we are. Going into the 5th year of our relationship and never have I felt bored nor regret, on the contrary, I love you more every single day. I appreciate your presence in my life. We're both not perfect but I believe, I have learnt so much from you and there is nobody else I'd rather be with.
We've made wishes,
with your arms in mine,
danced with kisses,
upon a shooting star.
We've made wishes,
with your arms in mine,
danced with kisses,
upon a shooting star.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Some people feel the rain, others just get wet
These days, spent most of my time in uni at the east coast and missed my parents anniversary day celebration!
I love you both <3 div="" nbsp="">
Sorry for all the pain i have caused during teen times and now that i have found myself, I hope its not too late to give my all to this wonderful lovely family god has blessed me with. The love and sacrifice you both gave, I will never be able to repay but I promise I will try hard. Really hard.
Hope we all can be together next lives so its my turn to love and care &
try to repay all you have done for me.
A few lifetimes will never be enough but I will try =)
I truly love you all and there's nothing more valuable than every one of you.
Stay lovely and may you both love each other unconditionally =) <3 div="">
Today is raya which means, in Kelantan, the city is in sleep.
Went out for pizza with him being my hungry cranky self, but then all good when I am filled with carbs. A kiss on the forehead always makes everything better.
Dinner, hungry again haha
Just when i thought of cooking instant noodles, he cycled under the rain to send me food =')
i was touched eventho i didnt say it out. Appreciate every little things you did okay?
i never think I could love other guys (unrelated people) like how I love you. You pushed in so much tolerance, love and sacrifise for this relationship and definitely changed me for the better. You'd never give up on me no matter how much I broke your heart by doing nasty things, say hurtful words, but you always stick around, I used to think i am the wiser one but never i have been so wrong.
For that, i thank you so much and promise to be a better person for myself and people around me.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I don't know what I don't know
Torn between reality and dreams
today was another unexpected on call. Went to hospital to expect an ordinary ward rounds with our favourite specialist but she did not come today. so like usual, covering beds incase any medical officers make any rounds we gotta present. We are in our 4th year and rushing like heck to complete our log book full of requirements. I've rushed and rushed, not knowing in the process i might lose myself. What did i actually learn?did my case presentation improve? i dont think so. What i gain was the courage to stand up and say i would like to present this case. The first case was to a houseofficer in HRPZ which i did so badly but he was kinda cool so, it was fine. The next one, I have made own effort to go HRPZ on a public holidays with hope to clerk more patients, learn new stuff and this is my second presentation to a medical officer on an acute Rheumatic Fever superimposed with bacterial infection probably infective endocarditis where patient has a large VSD and here, i've learnt something. The third one is presentation of bronchopneumonia case with past hx of meningitis to a specialist in clinical teaching at HRPZ. The fourth one is to another houseofficer in the usm whom the case is bacterial pneumonia but here nothing much. The next one is to medical officer on acute bronchiolitis superimposed with bacterial infection and this was so so case. At night, presented my first ever case to a specialist in HUSM (Dr.S) and my legs was jittering I couldnt feel them. It was a simple febrile fit and dr stressed to rule out meningitis if not consequences coming for you tho. Today, this very night I've tried to present on bronchial asthma, a seemed so simple case, but for me the toughest in record already.Hard time arranging case and dr taught me so much on asthma that i felt i was next to knowing nothing this disease i've learnt for years! Senior was kind enough to give us the opportunity to present case, I felt guilty that she cant present, but thankful she gave me the chance. Thanks Rachel! If not, I would never know how little I dont know about asthma!i felt guilty but at the same time, if not, I wouldnt have been taught on asthma, and I would not improve and tonight ill be just another ordinary night where i've not presented any case and not learn anything. For me, medicine is an art that you practise. you learn from the mistakes of others and now as a student, i would like to grab any chances available to present my case so that i will learn when i got scoldings and guidance, I need that dr look in the eyes to tell me that i cannot kill any patient, I have to do something about it. I put all ego aside, all pride i washed it off and start zero. i want to present and let dr point out what i did wrong so I would not do such mistake in the future, so now meanwhile I can, i want to live by the motto just do it, wont die one. and by all the mistakes i've encounter and yet to come, i hope will shape me into a better safe dr in the future. filling in the logbook? learning more? I hope i could juggle more better =)
today was another unexpected on call. Went to hospital to expect an ordinary ward rounds with our favourite specialist but she did not come today. so like usual, covering beds incase any medical officers make any rounds we gotta present. We are in our 4th year and rushing like heck to complete our log book full of requirements. I've rushed and rushed, not knowing in the process i might lose myself. What did i actually learn?did my case presentation improve? i dont think so. What i gain was the courage to stand up and say i would like to present this case. The first case was to a houseofficer in HRPZ which i did so badly but he was kinda cool so, it was fine. The next one, I have made own effort to go HRPZ on a public holidays with hope to clerk more patients, learn new stuff and this is my second presentation to a medical officer on an acute Rheumatic Fever superimposed with bacterial infection probably infective endocarditis where patient has a large VSD and here, i've learnt something. The third one is presentation of bronchopneumonia case with past hx of meningitis to a specialist in clinical teaching at HRPZ. The fourth one is to another houseofficer in the usm whom the case is bacterial pneumonia but here nothing much. The next one is to medical officer on acute bronchiolitis superimposed with bacterial infection and this was so so case. At night, presented my first ever case to a specialist in HUSM (Dr.S) and my legs was jittering I couldnt feel them. It was a simple febrile fit and dr stressed to rule out meningitis if not consequences coming for you tho. Today, this very night I've tried to present on bronchial asthma, a seemed so simple case, but for me the toughest in record already.Hard time arranging case and dr taught me so much on asthma that i felt i was next to knowing nothing this disease i've learnt for years! Senior was kind enough to give us the opportunity to present case, I felt guilty that she cant present, but thankful she gave me the chance. Thanks Rachel! If not, I would never know how little I dont know about asthma!i felt guilty but at the same time, if not, I wouldnt have been taught on asthma, and I would not improve and tonight ill be just another ordinary night where i've not presented any case and not learn anything. For me, medicine is an art that you practise. you learn from the mistakes of others and now as a student, i would like to grab any chances available to present my case so that i will learn when i got scoldings and guidance, I need that dr look in the eyes to tell me that i cannot kill any patient, I have to do something about it. I put all ego aside, all pride i washed it off and start zero. i want to present and let dr point out what i did wrong so I would not do such mistake in the future, so now meanwhile I can, i want to live by the motto just do it, wont die one. and by all the mistakes i've encounter and yet to come, i hope will shape me into a better safe dr in the future. filling in the logbook? learning more? I hope i could juggle more better =)
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Ours
This childish love of ours, grown a lot ,seen a lot or hurdles as well as the finer sides. This childish love of ours, probably know to give it all, with certain expectations in return. This childish love of ours, probably seen more innocence from us than we really did. This weathered innocent love, is what I hope we can hold to for the rest of our lives. This weathered innocent love, wouldn't expect much in return, as you would say, I define happiness, to love much more than to be loved, for all we give because we know we eventually come around. This weathered innocent love, taught us to love, unconditionally :)
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Hold your breath, because tonight will be the night i will fall for you, over again
Many will have expectations. Some demand to have a tall, dark and handsome. Some demand to have filthy rich Lamborghini with Mont Blancs. Some would prefer Charles Keith solely with a little touch of pink martini every now and then. Some wants simplicity and innocence. Some wants it without strings attached. Some wants it all.
WARNING : ITS GONNA BE A LONG WINDY POST.
Always I've heard of stories, really sweet romantic stories, from those exactly from novels fairytale to those where the world revolved only around them and to those whom sweet steady just perfect. It got me to ponder.
It truly sound so corny for me to write about this at 2am but i just thought i should. I am in a relationship with him for almost 4 years roughly now. Our relationship is far from perfect. I dont know where will we go in the future but one thing for sure, I am game for it.
It was a first, for both of us and me today must admit, we jumped into things. Jumped into a future full of possibilities without second thoughts. All I remember is, I don't want to have what ifs' in the future when i look back that evening. We were young and free. So much of innocence. Is innocence what true love demands? Or is it truly love only after when you think it through and know what and who you really want? But again, will it still be true love if you need to think about it that long? I've quoted this from a really good friend of mine without him knowing but thank you for this. Up to today, I still can't yet get an answer. For us, we started off with pure innocence and revolved around that as we grew too fast for reality and snap out of it. Then it got me thinking back again then. About everything. As we fall back into place, where we really belong.
We don't have love stories like fairytale and in movies. We are not like super rich pair where we can go fine dining in the city every now and then. We don't have a car nor freedom to go for midnight drives by the beaches beneath palm trees and dip in jacuzzis. We don't have the luxury to go for vacations together all the time. I dont have a documented proposals nor much recognition for the matter of fact. And for our personalities differ, I don't really get often surprises nor sticky notes on my water tumbler nor handmade breakfasts. I mind, but I guess, there are far more important things that counts as the journey slowly unfolds itself.
Few years back, started off as hate because he kinda look like my besties ex, i had no idea I end up with him today.We end up holding same post in a matriculation body and thats how we started. Buying groceries every forthnightly for each other(you see, in matrics, they separate the outing schedule, alternate females and males, so i cant get my fruit storage after it is finished within a week, and i must have it! call me moron but that is who I am ) We are so friendzoned that i had to carry all those heavy plastic bags all the way to dormitory and he dont even put a thought in mind to come and lend me a hand (mengaku je la Fion, its all YOUR stuff not his! =S) To defend myself, bag of apples are not heavy for him but it is for me! That time at least. Felt like I was evaporating crazy under the scorching sun! Not to mention, the 2.5 kg soap powder and I was screaming inside on why did I agree! (You guys must be wondering why he need so much, you see, trend is changing, we girls are using the machine and he is still scrubbing his clothes everyday. Full stop.) I literally gave him that glare -.-'' (He didnt notice i guess or maybe i was just covering up to show buff, aah, all crap). Many occasions where I had a strong feelingthat we will meet and we did. Its like this telepathy thing that the old me used to believe. Gosh. And everytime we are chatting heading in the same direction, his leaps are so freaking huge that he forgets I dont have spider legs like him. I literally need to jog and pant beside of him. And as time pass, he slowed down, bit by bit. Until I dont have to speed up anymore. And I realise we are walking in the same pace. He is still very quiet tho, and to erase the awkward silence on our ocassional bump ins, I had to put up a conversation which i swore did not come as easy as it will be now. I had no idea on how we started texting and asking bout daily stuff. His basketball like usual up to today. We chatted for a couple of months and grew closer perhaps. But a fact, he ignores me like level 9000. The closer we got on phone, the further we grew apart in reality. Bump ins became even more awkward and weird. Accidental meet ups just to avoid eye stares, even more far than a stranger. After a while, I was really hurt. I did not think much, I just take it as close friends whom oh well, grew closer with time .., never know it could lead nor dare I hope for anything more. We stopped texting and i had no idea how it started back again after that. -.- Partial juvenile amnesia. Gosh I need a shrink.
And to a day where coincidentally being a technology noobie just discovered a setting where it auto counts your text and I realised out texts almost reach a thousand! (I am a lazy girl, no habit of clearing inbox, totally opposite from him). So one day like usual when we chatted, I just flew in a text and said, its gonna be our first thousand text in a few. And i just expect a meaningful friendship forever text that i can really keep. (told you I was thattt friendzoned or are we both blind gosh).
**I am just gonna Skipp all the mid part and few months after that and the drama in between on how we got together...blaa blaa..***
We didnt have our meals together even weeks after that only occasionally.. damn paiseh ok...-.- Okay, then a while after that , we had a vacation in Penang with a bunch of friends which is awkward still...super shy like crap please lah...gosh Cant get used to the status even after sometime. *Thinking bout it, damn traditional la -.-* Only hold hands when we had to cross the road. And then in that vacation also only I realise he's a Buddhist when i saw him pray at temple. and the convo goes something like this :
*In the bus*
Me: Hmm, I got something to ask o, hope you dont mind?
Him: Yeah, sure..anything?
Me: hmm, you can pray at temple wan ah?*damn scared*
~~Awkward moment~~~
Him: Urm why not? *Crease forehead in curiosity*
Me: I don't know. I thought , urm...eh , you are in what religion one?*Poker face*
Him: Buddhist lar...-.- *That sweat face*
Me: EH EH really mehh? You sure or not?Dont cheat me leh
Him: *Shouted at another friend of ours : Hey, ZY, I am a buddhist right?
ZY: Yeah, why?
: Nothing much, thatnks!
SEE??
Me: ...okayy...
~~~~~~
I swore, that time, i feel like the most embarassing moment in my life. I just wanna jump off the bus and go back to my hostel. (Think about it, nah, not really, the sequel is far more embarassing)
And so I tried to redeem myself.
Me: but..but..but...I thought... aiya, how I know wor...you got english name in front at your IC...cant
blame me for assuming ur a Christian ma, see?
Him: Tell me then , what bout your name pulak?
Me: Nice weather today, grins~
.............
Okay, i deserve a smack isnt it, i think some miscommunication la in the past, i remembered we chatted bout this and got some misunderstanding i guess. Oh well, we were that blind isnt it. *Or is it just me -.-
We were new and clumsy when like I said, we jumped into things earlier, but we know, we do care, we do feel.
In matrics, we did not study together like all the other couples. I will seek him when i need his help but besides that, we move at our own pace and we believed its what best for us. I am okay with it , hes okay with it, up till today. After sometime, we will have regular dinner together at night and have a stroll around campus and go back to our own rooms after that. We will chat about a lot alot of things and get to know each other better i guess.
Approaching the graduation time (matrics course only a year before we enter university), I started to snap out of it and get to thinking again. Our night strolls became slightly more to discussions, of future and career and paths. I remembered when we both sat at the bench under the open sky filled with stars and staring ahead. What if we did not end up in the same university? Can we still be together? Can we still keep this relationship? It did brought tears to my eyes thinking of the endless possibilities. Optimistism beats it all i suppose? We tried to make as if 5 years sound short, we planned visits to our respective universities during holidays, writing letters, surprises and calls. We believe that it all will be just fine as long as we are both still in love and trust each other.
Yours truly,
Just me
WARNING : ITS GONNA BE A LONG WINDY POST.
Always I've heard of stories, really sweet romantic stories, from those exactly from novels fairytale to those where the world revolved only around them and to those whom sweet steady just perfect. It got me to ponder.
It truly sound so corny for me to write about this at 2am but i just thought i should. I am in a relationship with him for almost 4 years roughly now. Our relationship is far from perfect. I dont know where will we go in the future but one thing for sure, I am game for it.
It was a first, for both of us and me today must admit, we jumped into things. Jumped into a future full of possibilities without second thoughts. All I remember is, I don't want to have what ifs' in the future when i look back that evening. We were young and free. So much of innocence. Is innocence what true love demands? Or is it truly love only after when you think it through and know what and who you really want? But again, will it still be true love if you need to think about it that long? I've quoted this from a really good friend of mine without him knowing but thank you for this. Up to today, I still can't yet get an answer. For us, we started off with pure innocence and revolved around that as we grew too fast for reality and snap out of it. Then it got me thinking back again then. About everything. As we fall back into place, where we really belong.
We don't have love stories like fairytale and in movies. We are not like super rich pair where we can go fine dining in the city every now and then. We don't have a car nor freedom to go for midnight drives by the beaches beneath palm trees and dip in jacuzzis. We don't have the luxury to go for vacations together all the time. I dont have a documented proposals nor much recognition for the matter of fact. And for our personalities differ, I don't really get often surprises nor sticky notes on my water tumbler nor handmade breakfasts. I mind, but I guess, there are far more important things that counts as the journey slowly unfolds itself.
Few years back, started off as hate because he kinda look like my besties ex, i had no idea I end up with him today.We end up holding same post in a matriculation body and thats how we started. Buying groceries every forthnightly for each other(you see, in matrics, they separate the outing schedule, alternate females and males, so i cant get my fruit storage after it is finished within a week, and i must have it! call me moron but that is who I am ) We are so friendzoned that i had to carry all those heavy plastic bags all the way to dormitory and he dont even put a thought in mind to come and lend me a hand (mengaku je la Fion, its all YOUR stuff not his! =S) To defend myself, bag of apples are not heavy for him but it is for me! That time at least. Felt like I was evaporating crazy under the scorching sun! Not to mention, the 2.5 kg soap powder and I was screaming inside on why did I agree! (You guys must be wondering why he need so much, you see, trend is changing, we girls are using the machine and he is still scrubbing his clothes everyday. Full stop.) I literally gave him that glare -.-'' (He didnt notice i guess or maybe i was just covering up to show buff, aah, all crap). Many occasions where I had a strong feelingthat we will meet and we did. Its like this telepathy thing that the old me used to believe. Gosh. And everytime we are chatting heading in the same direction, his leaps are so freaking huge that he forgets I dont have spider legs like him. I literally need to jog and pant beside of him. And as time pass, he slowed down, bit by bit. Until I dont have to speed up anymore. And I realise we are walking in the same pace. He is still very quiet tho, and to erase the awkward silence on our ocassional bump ins, I had to put up a conversation which i swore did not come as easy as it will be now. I had no idea on how we started texting and asking bout daily stuff. His basketball like usual up to today. We chatted for a couple of months and grew closer perhaps. But a fact, he ignores me like level 9000. The closer we got on phone, the further we grew apart in reality. Bump ins became even more awkward and weird. Accidental meet ups just to avoid eye stares, even more far than a stranger. After a while, I was really hurt. I did not think much, I just take it as close friends whom oh well, grew closer with time .., never know it could lead nor dare I hope for anything more. We stopped texting and i had no idea how it started back again after that. -.- Partial juvenile amnesia. Gosh I need a shrink.
And to a day where coincidentally being a technology noobie just discovered a setting where it auto counts your text and I realised out texts almost reach a thousand! (I am a lazy girl, no habit of clearing inbox, totally opposite from him). So one day like usual when we chatted, I just flew in a text and said, its gonna be our first thousand text in a few. And i just expect a meaningful friendship forever text that i can really keep. (told you I was thattt friendzoned or are we both blind gosh).
**I am just gonna Skipp all the mid part and few months after that and the drama in between on how we got together...blaa blaa..***
We didnt have our meals together even weeks after that only occasionally.. damn paiseh ok...-.- Okay, then a while after that , we had a vacation in Penang with a bunch of friends which is awkward still...super shy like crap please lah...gosh Cant get used to the status even after sometime. *Thinking bout it, damn traditional la -.-* Only hold hands when we had to cross the road. And then in that vacation also only I realise he's a Buddhist when i saw him pray at temple. and the convo goes something like this :
*In the bus*
Me: Hmm, I got something to ask o, hope you dont mind?
Him: Yeah, sure..anything?
Me: hmm, you can pray at temple wan ah?*damn scared*
~~Awkward moment~~~
Him: Urm why not? *Crease forehead in curiosity*
Me: I don't know. I thought , urm...eh , you are in what religion one?*Poker face*
Him: Buddhist lar...-.- *That sweat face*
Me: EH EH really mehh? You sure or not?Dont cheat me leh
Him: *Shouted at another friend of ours : Hey, ZY, I am a buddhist right?
ZY: Yeah, why?
: Nothing much, thatnks!
SEE??
Me: ...okayy...
~~~~~~
I swore, that time, i feel like the most embarassing moment in my life. I just wanna jump off the bus and go back to my hostel. (Think about it, nah, not really, the sequel is far more embarassing)
And so I tried to redeem myself.
Me: but..but..but...I thought... aiya, how I know wor...you got english name in front at your IC...cant
blame me for assuming ur a Christian ma, see?
Him: Tell me then , what bout your name pulak?
Me: Nice weather today, grins~
.............
Okay, i deserve a smack isnt it, i think some miscommunication la in the past, i remembered we chatted bout this and got some misunderstanding i guess. Oh well, we were that blind isnt it. *Or is it just me -.-
We were new and clumsy when like I said, we jumped into things earlier, but we know, we do care, we do feel.
In matrics, we did not study together like all the other couples. I will seek him when i need his help but besides that, we move at our own pace and we believed its what best for us. I am okay with it , hes okay with it, up till today. After sometime, we will have regular dinner together at night and have a stroll around campus and go back to our own rooms after that. We will chat about a lot alot of things and get to know each other better i guess.
Approaching the graduation time (matrics course only a year before we enter university), I started to snap out of it and get to thinking again. Our night strolls became slightly more to discussions, of future and career and paths. I remembered when we both sat at the bench under the open sky filled with stars and staring ahead. What if we did not end up in the same university? Can we still be together? Can we still keep this relationship? It did brought tears to my eyes thinking of the endless possibilities. Optimistism beats it all i suppose? We tried to make as if 5 years sound short, we planned visits to our respective universities during holidays, writing letters, surprises and calls. We believe that it all will be just fine as long as we are both still in love and trust each other.
And heck i didnt expect we will be in the same university and here we are.
I am evermore thankful to have us supporting each other in this tough course and definitely, i love him more everyday as i slowly learn to see the side of him no one ever knew existed.
As he potrays differently than who he really is.
He taught me more about life, about things i never thought of.
He brought the best out of me and I hope i do the same to him. He gave me freedom in approaching my dreams and always very supportive in everything i do, even it means watching me do mistakes and forgiving me every time.
He loved me in a different way by believing in me even it means letting me grow by myself, never controlling me nor hold me captive.
I know he cares and worried about me but he still always made the painful decision of setting me free to do what i really want because he respects my decisions, what i want from life.
He believed that this is the best that he can give me. And it really is.
We are 2 people from separate worlds, dreaming of different kind of lives ahead, but I believe that we can work things out.
These years evolve and let me see who he truly is and i came know its the right decision that day. I love you and hope to spend the rest of our lives together. Happy 22nd birthday =)
Because a man like you is impossible to find.
Just me
Friday, May 16, 2014
Can't sleep so..
Okay,3 more days and see what's my plan :-
Friday :
morning till after lunch-psychiatry usmle,first aid main 5 disorder, pbl
Noon 3pm : gastrointestinal usmle,pbl and note
7.00 pm: respiratory & pbl
Bfr sleep: foundation
Saturday
Morning: haemato pbl,transfusion rxn
Noon : endocrine
Evening : gut
Bfr sleep: foundation
Sunday
Morning : Cns usmle and spinal cord lesion,
Noon: important topics
Evening: past year
Monday, May 12, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Moving on
Times running out, energy is draining out, PRO 2 is COMING! exactly two weeks from now, buckle up your shoes, get set for the run. Keep a steady marathon, pray hard and good luck. I believe if we all do what we have always wanted to do, to be a doctor and help mankind, but for me its far more a selfish reason. When I help others, I am helping myself. The satisfaction, the solitude, the gratitude I can never learn otherways and this feeling is what fuel me to propel towards my dream. Keep thinking about the days where I can finally lift someone's burden, when I can finally ease their pain. I dont just wanna be a doctor, I want to always be there for them and their families, holding their hands till they're alright. I can't help all but I promise i will do my best to make sure they dont feel they are fighting this battle alone.
Shut down the ego,
shut down the pride,
every one is the same,
in god's eye,
long way to go,
I somehow know,
Its a long journey of life,
I am about to behold
As for a start, let the journey to gain unlimited knowledge seeking begins, for the better of yourself, patients and all.=) Good luck
Shut down the ego,
shut down the pride,
every one is the same,
in god's eye,
long way to go,
I somehow know,
Its a long journey of life,
I am about to behold
As for a start, let the journey to gain unlimited knowledge seeking begins, for the better of yourself, patients and all.=) Good luck
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Friday, February 26, 2016
graduate
I want to graduate. I really want to graduate. Gonna work my ass off, study like crazy, love my patients more pray harder and bring the title back home. Wish me luck =)
Friday, January 16, 2015
Geminid shower 13/12/2014
We have a dream. At least I did, so that one day I can lie your chest, listening to your beating heart in beneath the dark skies. Thank you for willing to be dragged to the court just to accompany me watch those shooting stars. Waiting for meteor definitely needs luck and the right person to back up incase theres no stars, but we've got good company. Spread out old newspapers and lay our backs on the cold floor with the snacks i brought incase of a grumbling tummy. It was cloudy and I did not put much hope, however i have faith that we will catch some today. As the wind blow the clouds away, it reveal beautiful blanket of stars gazing above us. It was definitely mesmerizing. We never know what will come, but here we are. Going into the 5th year of our relationship and never have I felt bored nor regret, on the contrary, I love you more every single day. I appreciate your presence in my life. We're both not perfect but I believe, I have learnt so much from you and there is nobody else I'd rather be with.
We've made wishes,
with your arms in mine,
danced with kisses,
upon a shooting star.
We've made wishes,
with your arms in mine,
danced with kisses,
upon a shooting star.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Some people feel the rain, others just get wet
These days, spent most of my time in uni at the east coast and missed my parents anniversary day celebration!
I love you both <3 div="" nbsp="">
Sorry for all the pain i have caused during teen times and now that i have found myself, I hope its not too late to give my all to this wonderful lovely family god has blessed me with. The love and sacrifice you both gave, I will never be able to repay but I promise I will try hard. Really hard.
Hope we all can be together next lives so its my turn to love and care &
try to repay all you have done for me.
A few lifetimes will never be enough but I will try =)
I truly love you all and there's nothing more valuable than every one of you.
Stay lovely and may you both love each other unconditionally =) <3 div="">
Today is raya which means, in Kelantan, the city is in sleep.
Went out for pizza with him being my hungry cranky self, but then all good when I am filled with carbs. A kiss on the forehead always makes everything better.
Dinner, hungry again haha
Just when i thought of cooking instant noodles, he cycled under the rain to send me food =')
i was touched eventho i didnt say it out. Appreciate every little things you did okay?
i never think I could love other guys (unrelated people) like how I love you. You pushed in so much tolerance, love and sacrifise for this relationship and definitely changed me for the better. You'd never give up on me no matter how much I broke your heart by doing nasty things, say hurtful words, but you always stick around, I used to think i am the wiser one but never i have been so wrong.
For that, i thank you so much and promise to be a better person for myself and people around me.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I don't know what I don't know
Torn between reality and dreams
today was another unexpected on call. Went to hospital to expect an ordinary ward rounds with our favourite specialist but she did not come today. so like usual, covering beds incase any medical officers make any rounds we gotta present. We are in our 4th year and rushing like heck to complete our log book full of requirements. I've rushed and rushed, not knowing in the process i might lose myself. What did i actually learn?did my case presentation improve? i dont think so. What i gain was the courage to stand up and say i would like to present this case. The first case was to a houseofficer in HRPZ which i did so badly but he was kinda cool so, it was fine. The next one, I have made own effort to go HRPZ on a public holidays with hope to clerk more patients, learn new stuff and this is my second presentation to a medical officer on an acute Rheumatic Fever superimposed with bacterial infection probably infective endocarditis where patient has a large VSD and here, i've learnt something. The third one is presentation of bronchopneumonia case with past hx of meningitis to a specialist in clinical teaching at HRPZ. The fourth one is to another houseofficer in the usm whom the case is bacterial pneumonia but here nothing much. The next one is to medical officer on acute bronchiolitis superimposed with bacterial infection and this was so so case. At night, presented my first ever case to a specialist in HUSM (Dr.S) and my legs was jittering I couldnt feel them. It was a simple febrile fit and dr stressed to rule out meningitis if not consequences coming for you tho. Today, this very night I've tried to present on bronchial asthma, a seemed so simple case, but for me the toughest in record already.Hard time arranging case and dr taught me so much on asthma that i felt i was next to knowing nothing this disease i've learnt for years! Senior was kind enough to give us the opportunity to present case, I felt guilty that she cant present, but thankful she gave me the chance. Thanks Rachel! If not, I would never know how little I dont know about asthma!i felt guilty but at the same time, if not, I wouldnt have been taught on asthma, and I would not improve and tonight ill be just another ordinary night where i've not presented any case and not learn anything. For me, medicine is an art that you practise. you learn from the mistakes of others and now as a student, i would like to grab any chances available to present my case so that i will learn when i got scoldings and guidance, I need that dr look in the eyes to tell me that i cannot kill any patient, I have to do something about it. I put all ego aside, all pride i washed it off and start zero. i want to present and let dr point out what i did wrong so I would not do such mistake in the future, so now meanwhile I can, i want to live by the motto just do it, wont die one. and by all the mistakes i've encounter and yet to come, i hope will shape me into a better safe dr in the future. filling in the logbook? learning more? I hope i could juggle more better =)
today was another unexpected on call. Went to hospital to expect an ordinary ward rounds with our favourite specialist but she did not come today. so like usual, covering beds incase any medical officers make any rounds we gotta present. We are in our 4th year and rushing like heck to complete our log book full of requirements. I've rushed and rushed, not knowing in the process i might lose myself. What did i actually learn?did my case presentation improve? i dont think so. What i gain was the courage to stand up and say i would like to present this case. The first case was to a houseofficer in HRPZ which i did so badly but he was kinda cool so, it was fine. The next one, I have made own effort to go HRPZ on a public holidays with hope to clerk more patients, learn new stuff and this is my second presentation to a medical officer on an acute Rheumatic Fever superimposed with bacterial infection probably infective endocarditis where patient has a large VSD and here, i've learnt something. The third one is presentation of bronchopneumonia case with past hx of meningitis to a specialist in clinical teaching at HRPZ. The fourth one is to another houseofficer in the usm whom the case is bacterial pneumonia but here nothing much. The next one is to medical officer on acute bronchiolitis superimposed with bacterial infection and this was so so case. At night, presented my first ever case to a specialist in HUSM (Dr.S) and my legs was jittering I couldnt feel them. It was a simple febrile fit and dr stressed to rule out meningitis if not consequences coming for you tho. Today, this very night I've tried to present on bronchial asthma, a seemed so simple case, but for me the toughest in record already.Hard time arranging case and dr taught me so much on asthma that i felt i was next to knowing nothing this disease i've learnt for years! Senior was kind enough to give us the opportunity to present case, I felt guilty that she cant present, but thankful she gave me the chance. Thanks Rachel! If not, I would never know how little I dont know about asthma!i felt guilty but at the same time, if not, I wouldnt have been taught on asthma, and I would not improve and tonight ill be just another ordinary night where i've not presented any case and not learn anything. For me, medicine is an art that you practise. you learn from the mistakes of others and now as a student, i would like to grab any chances available to present my case so that i will learn when i got scoldings and guidance, I need that dr look in the eyes to tell me that i cannot kill any patient, I have to do something about it. I put all ego aside, all pride i washed it off and start zero. i want to present and let dr point out what i did wrong so I would not do such mistake in the future, so now meanwhile I can, i want to live by the motto just do it, wont die one. and by all the mistakes i've encounter and yet to come, i hope will shape me into a better safe dr in the future. filling in the logbook? learning more? I hope i could juggle more better =)
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Ours
This childish love of ours, grown a lot ,seen a lot or hurdles as well as the finer sides. This childish love of ours, probably know to give it all, with certain expectations in return. This childish love of ours, probably seen more innocence from us than we really did. This weathered innocent love, is what I hope we can hold to for the rest of our lives. This weathered innocent love, wouldn't expect much in return, as you would say, I define happiness, to love much more than to be loved, for all we give because we know we eventually come around. This weathered innocent love, taught us to love, unconditionally :)
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Hold your breath, because tonight will be the night i will fall for you, over again
Many will have expectations. Some demand to have a tall, dark and handsome. Some demand to have filthy rich Lamborghini with Mont Blancs. Some would prefer Charles Keith solely with a little touch of pink martini every now and then. Some wants simplicity and innocence. Some wants it without strings attached. Some wants it all.
WARNING : ITS GONNA BE A LONG WINDY POST.
Always I've heard of stories, really sweet romantic stories, from those exactly from novels fairytale to those where the world revolved only around them and to those whom sweet steady just perfect. It got me to ponder.
It truly sound so corny for me to write about this at 2am but i just thought i should. I am in a relationship with him for almost 4 years roughly now. Our relationship is far from perfect. I dont know where will we go in the future but one thing for sure, I am game for it.
It was a first, for both of us and me today must admit, we jumped into things. Jumped into a future full of possibilities without second thoughts. All I remember is, I don't want to have what ifs' in the future when i look back that evening. We were young and free. So much of innocence. Is innocence what true love demands? Or is it truly love only after when you think it through and know what and who you really want? But again, will it still be true love if you need to think about it that long? I've quoted this from a really good friend of mine without him knowing but thank you for this. Up to today, I still can't yet get an answer. For us, we started off with pure innocence and revolved around that as we grew too fast for reality and snap out of it. Then it got me thinking back again then. About everything. As we fall back into place, where we really belong.
We don't have love stories like fairytale and in movies. We are not like super rich pair where we can go fine dining in the city every now and then. We don't have a car nor freedom to go for midnight drives by the beaches beneath palm trees and dip in jacuzzis. We don't have the luxury to go for vacations together all the time. I dont have a documented proposals nor much recognition for the matter of fact. And for our personalities differ, I don't really get often surprises nor sticky notes on my water tumbler nor handmade breakfasts. I mind, but I guess, there are far more important things that counts as the journey slowly unfolds itself.
Few years back, started off as hate because he kinda look like my besties ex, i had no idea I end up with him today.We end up holding same post in a matriculation body and thats how we started. Buying groceries every forthnightly for each other(you see, in matrics, they separate the outing schedule, alternate females and males, so i cant get my fruit storage after it is finished within a week, and i must have it! call me moron but that is who I am ) We are so friendzoned that i had to carry all those heavy plastic bags all the way to dormitory and he dont even put a thought in mind to come and lend me a hand (mengaku je la Fion, its all YOUR stuff not his! =S) To defend myself, bag of apples are not heavy for him but it is for me! That time at least. Felt like I was evaporating crazy under the scorching sun! Not to mention, the 2.5 kg soap powder and I was screaming inside on why did I agree! (You guys must be wondering why he need so much, you see, trend is changing, we girls are using the machine and he is still scrubbing his clothes everyday. Full stop.) I literally gave him that glare -.-'' (He didnt notice i guess or maybe i was just covering up to show buff, aah, all crap). Many occasions where I had a strong feelingthat we will meet and we did. Its like this telepathy thing that the old me used to believe. Gosh. And everytime we are chatting heading in the same direction, his leaps are so freaking huge that he forgets I dont have spider legs like him. I literally need to jog and pant beside of him. And as time pass, he slowed down, bit by bit. Until I dont have to speed up anymore. And I realise we are walking in the same pace. He is still very quiet tho, and to erase the awkward silence on our ocassional bump ins, I had to put up a conversation which i swore did not come as easy as it will be now. I had no idea on how we started texting and asking bout daily stuff. His basketball like usual up to today. We chatted for a couple of months and grew closer perhaps. But a fact, he ignores me like level 9000. The closer we got on phone, the further we grew apart in reality. Bump ins became even more awkward and weird. Accidental meet ups just to avoid eye stares, even more far than a stranger. After a while, I was really hurt. I did not think much, I just take it as close friends whom oh well, grew closer with time .., never know it could lead nor dare I hope for anything more. We stopped texting and i had no idea how it started back again after that. -.- Partial juvenile amnesia. Gosh I need a shrink.
And to a day where coincidentally being a technology noobie just discovered a setting where it auto counts your text and I realised out texts almost reach a thousand! (I am a lazy girl, no habit of clearing inbox, totally opposite from him). So one day like usual when we chatted, I just flew in a text and said, its gonna be our first thousand text in a few. And i just expect a meaningful friendship forever text that i can really keep. (told you I was thattt friendzoned or are we both blind gosh).
**I am just gonna Skipp all the mid part and few months after that and the drama in between on how we got together...blaa blaa..***
We didnt have our meals together even weeks after that only occasionally.. damn paiseh ok...-.- Okay, then a while after that , we had a vacation in Penang with a bunch of friends which is awkward still...super shy like crap please lah...gosh Cant get used to the status even after sometime. *Thinking bout it, damn traditional la -.-* Only hold hands when we had to cross the road. And then in that vacation also only I realise he's a Buddhist when i saw him pray at temple. and the convo goes something like this :
*In the bus*
Me: Hmm, I got something to ask o, hope you dont mind?
Him: Yeah, sure..anything?
Me: hmm, you can pray at temple wan ah?*damn scared*
~~Awkward moment~~~
Him: Urm why not? *Crease forehead in curiosity*
Me: I don't know. I thought , urm...eh , you are in what religion one?*Poker face*
Him: Buddhist lar...-.- *That sweat face*
Me: EH EH really mehh? You sure or not?Dont cheat me leh
Him: *Shouted at another friend of ours : Hey, ZY, I am a buddhist right?
ZY: Yeah, why?
: Nothing much, thatnks!
SEE??
Me: ...okayy...
~~~~~~
I swore, that time, i feel like the most embarassing moment in my life. I just wanna jump off the bus and go back to my hostel. (Think about it, nah, not really, the sequel is far more embarassing)
And so I tried to redeem myself.
Me: but..but..but...I thought... aiya, how I know wor...you got english name in front at your IC...cant
blame me for assuming ur a Christian ma, see?
Him: Tell me then , what bout your name pulak?
Me: Nice weather today, grins~
.............
Okay, i deserve a smack isnt it, i think some miscommunication la in the past, i remembered we chatted bout this and got some misunderstanding i guess. Oh well, we were that blind isnt it. *Or is it just me -.-
We were new and clumsy when like I said, we jumped into things earlier, but we know, we do care, we do feel.
In matrics, we did not study together like all the other couples. I will seek him when i need his help but besides that, we move at our own pace and we believed its what best for us. I am okay with it , hes okay with it, up till today. After sometime, we will have regular dinner together at night and have a stroll around campus and go back to our own rooms after that. We will chat about a lot alot of things and get to know each other better i guess.
Approaching the graduation time (matrics course only a year before we enter university), I started to snap out of it and get to thinking again. Our night strolls became slightly more to discussions, of future and career and paths. I remembered when we both sat at the bench under the open sky filled with stars and staring ahead. What if we did not end up in the same university? Can we still be together? Can we still keep this relationship? It did brought tears to my eyes thinking of the endless possibilities. Optimistism beats it all i suppose? We tried to make as if 5 years sound short, we planned visits to our respective universities during holidays, writing letters, surprises and calls. We believe that it all will be just fine as long as we are both still in love and trust each other.
Yours truly,
Just me
WARNING : ITS GONNA BE A LONG WINDY POST.
Always I've heard of stories, really sweet romantic stories, from those exactly from novels fairytale to those where the world revolved only around them and to those whom sweet steady just perfect. It got me to ponder.
It truly sound so corny for me to write about this at 2am but i just thought i should. I am in a relationship with him for almost 4 years roughly now. Our relationship is far from perfect. I dont know where will we go in the future but one thing for sure, I am game for it.
It was a first, for both of us and me today must admit, we jumped into things. Jumped into a future full of possibilities without second thoughts. All I remember is, I don't want to have what ifs' in the future when i look back that evening. We were young and free. So much of innocence. Is innocence what true love demands? Or is it truly love only after when you think it through and know what and who you really want? But again, will it still be true love if you need to think about it that long? I've quoted this from a really good friend of mine without him knowing but thank you for this. Up to today, I still can't yet get an answer. For us, we started off with pure innocence and revolved around that as we grew too fast for reality and snap out of it. Then it got me thinking back again then. About everything. As we fall back into place, where we really belong.
We don't have love stories like fairytale and in movies. We are not like super rich pair where we can go fine dining in the city every now and then. We don't have a car nor freedom to go for midnight drives by the beaches beneath palm trees and dip in jacuzzis. We don't have the luxury to go for vacations together all the time. I dont have a documented proposals nor much recognition for the matter of fact. And for our personalities differ, I don't really get often surprises nor sticky notes on my water tumbler nor handmade breakfasts. I mind, but I guess, there are far more important things that counts as the journey slowly unfolds itself.
Few years back, started off as hate because he kinda look like my besties ex, i had no idea I end up with him today.We end up holding same post in a matriculation body and thats how we started. Buying groceries every forthnightly for each other(you see, in matrics, they separate the outing schedule, alternate females and males, so i cant get my fruit storage after it is finished within a week, and i must have it! call me moron but that is who I am ) We are so friendzoned that i had to carry all those heavy plastic bags all the way to dormitory and he dont even put a thought in mind to come and lend me a hand (mengaku je la Fion, its all YOUR stuff not his! =S) To defend myself, bag of apples are not heavy for him but it is for me! That time at least. Felt like I was evaporating crazy under the scorching sun! Not to mention, the 2.5 kg soap powder and I was screaming inside on why did I agree! (You guys must be wondering why he need so much, you see, trend is changing, we girls are using the machine and he is still scrubbing his clothes everyday. Full stop.) I literally gave him that glare -.-'' (He didnt notice i guess or maybe i was just covering up to show buff, aah, all crap). Many occasions where I had a strong feelingthat we will meet and we did. Its like this telepathy thing that the old me used to believe. Gosh. And everytime we are chatting heading in the same direction, his leaps are so freaking huge that he forgets I dont have spider legs like him. I literally need to jog and pant beside of him. And as time pass, he slowed down, bit by bit. Until I dont have to speed up anymore. And I realise we are walking in the same pace. He is still very quiet tho, and to erase the awkward silence on our ocassional bump ins, I had to put up a conversation which i swore did not come as easy as it will be now. I had no idea on how we started texting and asking bout daily stuff. His basketball like usual up to today. We chatted for a couple of months and grew closer perhaps. But a fact, he ignores me like level 9000. The closer we got on phone, the further we grew apart in reality. Bump ins became even more awkward and weird. Accidental meet ups just to avoid eye stares, even more far than a stranger. After a while, I was really hurt. I did not think much, I just take it as close friends whom oh well, grew closer with time .., never know it could lead nor dare I hope for anything more. We stopped texting and i had no idea how it started back again after that. -.- Partial juvenile amnesia. Gosh I need a shrink.
And to a day where coincidentally being a technology noobie just discovered a setting where it auto counts your text and I realised out texts almost reach a thousand! (I am a lazy girl, no habit of clearing inbox, totally opposite from him). So one day like usual when we chatted, I just flew in a text and said, its gonna be our first thousand text in a few. And i just expect a meaningful friendship forever text that i can really keep. (told you I was thattt friendzoned or are we both blind gosh).
**I am just gonna Skipp all the mid part and few months after that and the drama in between on how we got together...blaa blaa..***
We didnt have our meals together even weeks after that only occasionally.. damn paiseh ok...-.- Okay, then a while after that , we had a vacation in Penang with a bunch of friends which is awkward still...super shy like crap please lah...gosh Cant get used to the status even after sometime. *Thinking bout it, damn traditional la -.-* Only hold hands when we had to cross the road. And then in that vacation also only I realise he's a Buddhist when i saw him pray at temple. and the convo goes something like this :
*In the bus*
Me: Hmm, I got something to ask o, hope you dont mind?
Him: Yeah, sure..anything?
Me: hmm, you can pray at temple wan ah?*damn scared*
~~Awkward moment~~~
Him: Urm why not? *Crease forehead in curiosity*
Me: I don't know. I thought , urm...eh , you are in what religion one?*Poker face*
Him: Buddhist lar...-.- *That sweat face*
Me: EH EH really mehh? You sure or not?Dont cheat me leh
Him: *Shouted at another friend of ours : Hey, ZY, I am a buddhist right?
ZY: Yeah, why?
: Nothing much, thatnks!
SEE??
Me: ...okayy...
~~~~~~
I swore, that time, i feel like the most embarassing moment in my life. I just wanna jump off the bus and go back to my hostel. (Think about it, nah, not really, the sequel is far more embarassing)
And so I tried to redeem myself.
Me: but..but..but...I thought... aiya, how I know wor...you got english name in front at your IC...cant
blame me for assuming ur a Christian ma, see?
Him: Tell me then , what bout your name pulak?
Me: Nice weather today, grins~
.............
Okay, i deserve a smack isnt it, i think some miscommunication la in the past, i remembered we chatted bout this and got some misunderstanding i guess. Oh well, we were that blind isnt it. *Or is it just me -.-
We were new and clumsy when like I said, we jumped into things earlier, but we know, we do care, we do feel.
In matrics, we did not study together like all the other couples. I will seek him when i need his help but besides that, we move at our own pace and we believed its what best for us. I am okay with it , hes okay with it, up till today. After sometime, we will have regular dinner together at night and have a stroll around campus and go back to our own rooms after that. We will chat about a lot alot of things and get to know each other better i guess.
Approaching the graduation time (matrics course only a year before we enter university), I started to snap out of it and get to thinking again. Our night strolls became slightly more to discussions, of future and career and paths. I remembered when we both sat at the bench under the open sky filled with stars and staring ahead. What if we did not end up in the same university? Can we still be together? Can we still keep this relationship? It did brought tears to my eyes thinking of the endless possibilities. Optimistism beats it all i suppose? We tried to make as if 5 years sound short, we planned visits to our respective universities during holidays, writing letters, surprises and calls. We believe that it all will be just fine as long as we are both still in love and trust each other.
And heck i didnt expect we will be in the same university and here we are.
I am evermore thankful to have us supporting each other in this tough course and definitely, i love him more everyday as i slowly learn to see the side of him no one ever knew existed.
As he potrays differently than who he really is.
He taught me more about life, about things i never thought of.
He brought the best out of me and I hope i do the same to him. He gave me freedom in approaching my dreams and always very supportive in everything i do, even it means watching me do mistakes and forgiving me every time.
He loved me in a different way by believing in me even it means letting me grow by myself, never controlling me nor hold me captive.
I know he cares and worried about me but he still always made the painful decision of setting me free to do what i really want because he respects my decisions, what i want from life.
He believed that this is the best that he can give me. And it really is.
We are 2 people from separate worlds, dreaming of different kind of lives ahead, but I believe that we can work things out.
These years evolve and let me see who he truly is and i came know its the right decision that day. I love you and hope to spend the rest of our lives together. Happy 22nd birthday =)
Because a man like you is impossible to find.
Just me
Friday, May 16, 2014
Can't sleep so..
Okay,3 more days and see what's my plan :-
Friday :
morning till after lunch-psychiatry usmle,first aid main 5 disorder, pbl
Noon 3pm : gastrointestinal usmle,pbl and note
7.00 pm: respiratory & pbl
Bfr sleep: foundation
Saturday
Morning: haemato pbl,transfusion rxn
Noon : endocrine
Evening : gut
Bfr sleep: foundation
Sunday
Morning : Cns usmle and spinal cord lesion,
Noon: important topics
Evening: past year
Monday, May 12, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Moving on
Times running out, energy is draining out, PRO 2 is COMING! exactly two weeks from now, buckle up your shoes, get set for the run. Keep a steady marathon, pray hard and good luck. I believe if we all do what we have always wanted to do, to be a doctor and help mankind, but for me its far more a selfish reason. When I help others, I am helping myself. The satisfaction, the solitude, the gratitude I can never learn otherways and this feeling is what fuel me to propel towards my dream. Keep thinking about the days where I can finally lift someone's burden, when I can finally ease their pain. I dont just wanna be a doctor, I want to always be there for them and their families, holding their hands till they're alright. I can't help all but I promise i will do my best to make sure they dont feel they are fighting this battle alone.
Shut down the ego,
shut down the pride,
every one is the same,
in god's eye,
long way to go,
I somehow know,
Its a long journey of life,
I am about to behold
As for a start, let the journey to gain unlimited knowledge seeking begins, for the better of yourself, patients and all.=) Good luck
Shut down the ego,
shut down the pride,
every one is the same,
in god's eye,
long way to go,
I somehow know,
Its a long journey of life,
I am about to behold
As for a start, let the journey to gain unlimited knowledge seeking begins, for the better of yourself, patients and all.=) Good luck
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